Month: August 2014

Blank pages..

/ jannanbland / Leave a comment

My mother told me tonight that I should write a book. My dad, Scott, and my closest friends have often said this, as well. So I said to my mama, “I don’t know what type of book to write. Every time I think about it, I can’t imagine what genre or subject matter I would plot.”

She replied with, “Jannan, write what you know.” 
Such wise words, but they left me wondering what I do, in fact, know. I know about parenting, at least my parenting. I know about teenagers, as teaching gives a certain insight into their complex, formative years. I know about marriage, in the sense of trials, triumphs, and the work it takes, as well as, the rewards it brings. I know I have a bit of wit, but do I have enough to write a book that is full of comedic timing and a bit off the cuff? 
One thing I am certain of is that I do not want to write romance, as I am not sure I could stomach using some kind of phrase like “throbbing member.”  And, I feel an unrest within this genre, because being a Christian doesn’t allow me, nor would I want it to, to put my faith on a shelf and bear that type of witness to those who happen to read what I write. 
Although, my college roommate and I joked that I could have a pen name and sell millions.  Sci-fi is also completely out of the question. My computer might die of old age before I would get that book written. Not a fan! 
I used to prepare my students for their first writing assignment of the school year by saying to them, “Writing is an amazing gift to the world. Just think; you are about to create something that no one else in the world has ever imagined or put into this universe. This is a unique piece of art that will form in your unique mind, then escape through fingertips, which are also unique unto you.”
I think that is part of the reason I enjoy blogging so much. It is my creation, alone.  
I am going to do this; I have decided. And, not because I expect to be famous or in hopes of becoming a wealthy gal,  but for the satisfaction of finishing something that has always been important to me to start. 
I may not yet know what category it will tumble into, but fall into place, it will. 
I may just have blank pages at the moment, but they are full of possiblities, just waiting to be filled. 

I think…

/ jannanbland / 1 Comment

I felt the weight of being a mother today. I have been tugged on, hit at, head butted, climbed on, and bitten. All that in just one miserable day. I also hear this nagging voice in the back of my head saying, “Who are you?  Are you just a mother? Would the real Jannan Bland please stand up!”

I know that my children and husband are my top priorities, besides my realtionship with Christ. But, after that, it all seems as if I am looking through fogged glasses. 
I have absolutely no idea what I will do as my children age, and Samuel goes to school. Some would tell me not to worry, that I have time to figure it all out. But, I know that time is fleeting. Before I realize it, both of my children will be well on their way, submerged in more activites, school, friends, and then college. I don’t believe that I will ever go back to the classroom, as I struggle deeply with the pressure teachers and students deal with from state testing. It is stressful, worrisome, and not how I believe God intended for our children to learn. 
I tried getting my Masters degree, but found myself feeling sad that my attention was being taken away from Maggie. I have many thoughts of what I might do. I think that I will finally write my book. I love the written word so deeply. I think I might finally hone my photography skills. I think I might go back to school to be a nurse or a speech therapist. I think I might get my Masters in English and teach Hemingway till my heart’s content. I think, I think, I think.  Maybe I just need to take the weighters off, leap in the water, and start swimming toward a goal until I have reached shore. Maybe the real Jannan Bland should stand up, not sell herself short, and leave it in the Master’s hands. 

Sounds of summer..

/ jannanbland / Leave a comment
Splashing of chlorinated water, squeals and giggles of little children running on pruned toes with their swim noodles– the last sights and sounds of sweet summertime. 
We really didn’t have an eventful season this year. We swam some, visited family a little, had an awesome 4th/birthday party, did VBS, and watched lots of movies and Disney channel. Maggie topped her time off with a concert.  And, we ancient technologists played Mario Cart on our aging Wii. 
I am not ready for my girl to leave me in the morning, so I am pretending that today will last forever.  Of course, it would be easier to pretend if it wasn’t 100° outside. 
Sianara cold water dives, playing outside till dark, and late nights. See ya again next year. 

The Story of My Life

/ jannanbland / Leave a comment

Yesterday, I took Maggie and my niece Avery to the One Direction concert. Oh my! They were so excited, but not nearly as excited as the squalling teenagers and their mothers all around us! Lol

I learned a few things: 
1. If you don’t know much about the opening act, don’t get to the stadium until about an hour after your ticket time. The girls were ansty waiting on the “real” concert to start, and it was nearly an hour and a half after the 7:00 start time that One Direction finally made the stage. 
This is particularly good advice for people with kids under 10. 
2. Eat beforehand. I totally get that buying all the stuff the venue sells for the concert is par for the course, but spending $40 on 3 hotdogs, 1 drink, and a small fry is craziness. Save that $40 for the dessert and goodies when you get there. The girls ate their supper, then ice cream, then cotton candy, and THEN peanuts. They were stuffed and happy. I was stuffed and poor. 
3. Spend the $15 for a light stick that changes into every color of the rainbow. It made the girls feel like thet were really a  part of the show. They loved them, and I am glad I bought them, even if they will break tomorrow. 
4. Buy your One Direction tees before the concert, not AT the concert. We did that and were soo glad. The lines were miles long just to get a tee. 
5. Sit in a section next to a bathroom. I had not thought of this when I bought the tickets online. But, I was extremely thankful that our seats were about 15 steps from the nearest bathroom. It was especially nice, because little girls “have to go NOW!” Oh, and so do old gals. 
Lol
6. Throw caution to the wind, and dance like you think you can, even if you know you can’t. I did, and the girls laughed and laughed, and I loved every minute of it. 
7. Soak it up, and make it memorable with pictures that will last forever, but don’t get caught up in the pictures as much as you want to be caught up in just enjoying the moment with these precious girls. 
8. Have someone drop you off and pick you up. It saved a ton on parking, it was close to the door, and I felt safer being with 2 little girls at night alone in a big city with a bunch of crazed lunatics. 
10. Bring earplugs. It will increase your stay time. The girls’ ears were hurting a little over halfway through the One Direction part of the night. They lasted a while longer, but we had to call it quits before the end AND before they sang the only song I love- “The Story of my Life.”  I thought the title was appropriate. Ha! 
The concert was great, the company was fantastic, and the imprint on my heart and mind will last forever. Thanks to my parents for such a great gift for their grand girls. 
Before the concert

Selfie with the girls

All those lights–iphones. Wow!

After the concert. 

Faith anew..

/ jannanbland / 1 Comment
I lie here, once again, with my sweet boy tucked into me, breathing beautiful melodies of the dreamland he is in. But, tonight is much different. This darkness is sublime. There is not a whirling of worry bouncing inside my head. There are no tense and heavy-ladened muscles in my shoulders. There is only a peace and calm that is beyond my small mind’s grasp. It is a type of serenity that only comes from my Father in heaven. He brought my Sam through a tough day, gave us answers, and showed us a sign that we needed, to know everything will, indeed, be okay. Only He can do that. 
Sometimes I forget that Maggie and Samuel are not His only children in this house. He comforted Scott and me today, and I will praise His name forever. Thank you, Jesus. 

It creeps..

/ jannanbland / Leave a comment

Yesterday was a good day, and an oh so hard day. Maggie has been asking to go back into the pubic school system for a while, and Scott and I met with her awesome principal today. We felt so wonderful leaving the building, and we are trusting God to hold our girl tight through her medical issues this year.

Then, I went to Holy Covenant and registered Sam man for a mother’s day out program. I am sad, but we are really looking forward to him having some much-needed socialization with other toddlers, as it can really aid in improving his development.

Scott had his first of 2 leg surgeries, and it went well, but he is super sore. He is having his second one right now, as I wait. 
After we got home and settled, my mama, Maggie, Sam, and I went school supply shopping. I noticed that I wasn’t feeling “all there” during the trip and realized that I had missed a dose of my Lexapro. This is not something I do. But, I guess with the worry of all that was going on at home, it just slipped my mind. 
I went to the pharmacy and picked it up, but by that time I was not doing well. The anxiety that my medicine helps me with was off the charts. I cried and cried. I asked God why I had to have this. I have asked Him this question many times before, usually when I am in the depths of despair, as Anne Shirley would say (Anne of Green Gables).  I snapped at Maggie, I felt like I couldn’t calm Samuel, I was worried about Scott, and I hated that my mama was here visiting when I had this meltdown. 
The depression creeps in. It matters not what I am going through- it creeps. It doesn’t discriminate time of day or night- it creeps. It grabs hold like a hell-bent thief, casting ghastly shadows that steal joy and dish fear, doubt, and insecurities. It can debilitate even the strongest person of faith. It pummels the best mothers, and it delights in pain. It creeps… and then, it pounces. And, it hurts. It leaves scars on the heart and makes the soul feel empty. 
I thank God for modern medicine that allows my real self to reappear from behind the clouds. I thank God for a family full of support. I thank God that I feel better this morning. 

Swinging..

/ jannanbland / 1 Comment

Today, we decided to clean up our backyard. Maggie’s wooden swing and play set that we bought when she was 4 has swung its last swing. It had to be dismantled. We cleaned off the back porch, pressure washed the back window and patio, and cleaned out her once used sandbox. I tried to “get out of my head,” so to speak, as I watched all of her little girl toys form a mountainous pile in the grass. But, what I didn’t realize was that it wasn’t my mind I should have been protecting, but my heart. I quietly   disappeared, during the breakdown, into the bathroom and cried. I cried for the tiny girl who used to fit in my lap while I rocked. I cried for the brevity of time and how mean it felt today. I cried because when Samuel is the age Maggie is now, she will be leaving for college. I cried as the memories flooded my soul of her swinging high into the sky, trying to touch the clouds, singing so loudly that the neighbors could hear her precious, original songs. I cried because today I could really feel the gap in my children’s ages, and I knew that they would not enjoy the same things at the same time during their childhoods. 

When I had let it all out, I thought about how as years pass, time will piece together a bridge that will take them both into adulthood, and they will find a lot of common ground. Marriages, children, maybe even some of the same interests. 
One thing is for certain, as my children grow, the memories we have made, and will continue to make as a family, will be precious to this mama. So, as Scott lays the plans for a new play set that will be sturdy for both of them, I know that they’ll always have each other, and it comforts me that they’ll keep swinging.