Last weeknd was such a pleasant weekend, although Sam, Maggie, and I still had colds and upper respiratory issues. We were not too miserable, but it is obviously contagious. We didn’t go to church, and I really love that time of worship; it fuels me for the week ahead.
We made the best of the situation, anyway, and stayed in and enjoyed the dreary, blissful, rainy, cool weather that God sent as a surprise!
This weekend, after Maggie ended up with Bronchitis and needed a breathing treatment, we are, yet again, lying low. My mama spent a few days with us and went home last night.
When our family is home together, Samuel is so much calmer than when one of us is missing. He had fewer head-banging episodes, and he played more. It is hard to explain, really, but when Samuel plays, it is almost as if he is deaf at times. We can call his name, but sometimes he doesn’t respond by looking toward us. This happens more so when he feels frustrated or is very honed into a paritcular noise. He is still silent, with a few squeals here and there, but he moves his lips up and down like he is thinking very hard. He clapped his hands one time for my daddy on facetime. He has never done this, so I am hoping it will become more continuous.
His pedi, and his Early Intervention Specialist suspect that Samuel is autistic. Liza, his PT did the M-Chat R evaluation, and it confirmed what we have feared in our heart for months. I have taught and helped many autistic children, and he has nearly every sign. A lot of people have the misconception that all autistic children are disconnected or removed. That is true to a certain extent, but not in all areas. Samuel smiles for pictures because he is very sound sensitive. He is obessed with noises, like the click of my camera, or a particular whistle my dad and Scott do to produce a smile. He is completely engaged with sounds. That is why he smiles. This is also why he bangs his head in frustration. He knows so much more than he can tell us. And, there is already so much “noise” in his head, that he becomes over stimulated to other noises. No one who sees his pictures would know that Samuel has very little receptive language skills, as in he doesn’t show us that he is understanding what we say to him. For example, most nearly 2 year olds will smile if you say, “Smile for mommy!” He has no concept of what I am asking him to do. He cannot come when we we ask him too, either. So, until some of those skills come, he may not talk for a while, or maybe he won’t talk. We just don’t know. The spectrum is so broad, and only more tests and therapy can lead us to a more specific diagnosis.
He is indifferent to other children his age and is disengaged in daycare during my weekly Bible study. He is afraid to be near other children, and when held by adults, he is indifferent. He will focus on one object that sounds appealing, and spins/twirls, and he blocks out the world around him. He has core muscle issues,too. So, basically time will tell us where God will lead us.
BUT, I have such praises to exclaim and shout, because my sweet boy is emotionally connected to his family. I am fortunate to have my child be able to
show me affection, even when he cannot
call me mama. I am the luckiest person in the world. There are many mamas and daddies who do not have these luxuries of hugs and snuggles. God is good to me. I appreciate Him knowing my limits as His child.
We have 3 appointments lined up- neuro on the 30th, then 2 austim specialist centers. Tomorrow, depending on how
we feel, we are going to tour a wonderful half day program school for Samuel’s needs.
So, after wallowing in my pity party, sadness, confusion, and grieving for the way I had life all planned out for my children, I gave it to my Father in heaven. I know he has been waiting for days for me to pour out my heart and tears to Him, and I am sure He was relieved when I laid it at His feet. What will be- will be. He is my refuge and strength. He will give us rest. He will grant the desires of our hearts. He is here to prosper us, not to harm us. He IS grace. He is sufficient, and His love- abundant.
I used to think that having a child with a condition like autism was one of the worst possible things as a mother that I would have to manage. Boy, was I wrong!
Living in this world without this precious, unique soul would be far worse. Thank you, Lord, for the blessing that is Samuel. 
thisblandlife 