I decided to run errands today by myself. We had actually all planned to go, but Maggie still isn’t feeling well, so I went it alone. Samuel needed clothes. He is going to mother’s day out one day a week, but that is increasing to 2 days very soon, and with a little crispness in the air of this gorgeous day, I knew he needed pants that didn’t look like clam diggers (as my mama calls them).
I was driving to Katy Mills, when the thought occured to me: I am going to buy clothes for my autistic son.
I know that sounds odd, but the mind jolts thoughts on its own at times, and sometimes they are not pleasant ones.
I parked my car and sobbed.
I called my mama, asking her if I would always think things like this. She reassured me that Samuel being autistic will be our new normal and that it would not slap me in the face each time I thought of him. Afterall, as my granny said, “Nothing has changed about Samuel. Today is the same as it was yesterday. Now, you just know what you are dealing with.”
They are such wise women.
I love Samuel even more today than I did yesterday and the day before that. He is still curly headed and beautiful. His laugh still melts my soul. His head banging still breaks my heart. His silence is still deafening, and I still desperately want to hear “MAMA” flow off his lips into the vastness of this world. That word- meant just for me, by him.
So, after I gathered my thoughts, and my mama wiped my tears from 4 hours away, I shopped. Not for autistic Samuel… Just for Samuel, my son.
thisblandlife 
I will never forget when my cousin shared with our family that her daughter (who is the same age as Jacob) was autistic. She knew something was unique about her for quite some time, but finding out, defined that “uniqueness”. Cailin and Jacob are only months apart and each passing family event would show the differences in the two cousins. I remember when my cousin would cry out in wonder if she would ever hear her daughter's true voice, one that would say “yes” and “no” and one that would say “Mama” deliberately, intent on getting a response from the one who cared the most for her. My cousin Cailin, non-verbal for nearly 4 yrs is now saying sounds and words. She is intentional about her hand motions, she has even told her mama “no” recently! (in a rebellious way, but who cares!! It was an intentional, meaningful word!!). We cheer for my sweet cousin with every baby step and I will cheer for Samuel. I know each day is another day in this process, this journey. But you have lots of cheerleaders for you, Samuel, Scott and Maggie! I look forward to hearing about his progress, I know that day will come when y'all hear his voice calling out “mama” or “no!” and we will cheer for him! My cousin has come so far (she has juvenile diabetes too) and I cheer for her progress and await new updates each day! Praying you can be Samuel's biggest cheerleader and lead the charge for the rest of us!! Go team!! Love you all.
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