My heart hurts- physically hurts. I keep thinking this must be what the onset of a heart attack feels like. It must be. I keep telling myself that it’s not cancer; it’s not death; it’s not some unimaginable disease that only scientists can comprehend. It could be so much worse.

But, then the day comes rushing back, and my heart hurts. It’s as if a flashing neon sign is fervently blinking: LOW-FUNCTIONING, LOW- FUNCTIONING, LOW-FUNCTIONING!!!!

Yes. After 4 hours with the neuro autism specialist, this was the answer I was terrified of hearing. Because Samuel cannot understand words, names, commands, and is excessively delayed and cannot speak, he was diagnosed on the spectrum as low-functioning autistic. 

I will have to write more later on what is next for him, but right now my heart hurts. 

It is overwhelmed with grief for Maggie. My brain tells me that she must be so special to be the sister of a child who needs so much help. God must have amazing plans for her, as her compassion for Samuel is already beautiful; it will only grow even stronger in the years to come. But, I feel for her more intensely than I can say because I fear that therapy and appointments will take away precious time from her needs and wants. I know that Scott and I will try our hardest for it not to be this way, but in reality, we know it will be some days. 

I hurt for Scott- my husband who works long hours and gives every ounce of himself to us. His son needs help.

I hurt selfishly for me, too. I want to lie on the floor and have a 3 year old’s fit, but there is no time for that; there is too much to be done, and it would not help anyone to allow myself a nervous breakdown. 

And then, of course, there is Samuel. I have come back again and again to this blog tonight, hoping that the words about Samuel, and how I feel for him, would flow from my fingertips. But, I just can’t right now. Maybe I haven’t absorbed it well enough or broken it down fully in my own head for me to form the sentences needed to share my emotions about him. Hopefully, in time, I will. The Bible says that joy cometh in the morning, but for tonight, my heart hurts.