It has been a couple of weeks since Maggie and I had our lab work done for genetics. I have been biding my time trying not to worry about the results. But, tonight, it is all I can think about. My mind keeps bouncing from question to question. What if the Dup15 is hereditary? What if I have passed this to my daughter, unknowingly, too?
And the questions then, repeatedly, answer themselves: There was no way of knowing, and we will deal with whatever comes our way. But, those responses just don’t seem enough. I am uneasy, as if I am the sand, and the ocean’s tide is consistently pulling me under; it’s power is too much for me to keep standing.
So, I fall. I am swept out to sea, flailing, waiting for a life boat to save me. I am waiting for answers that will inevitably lead to more questions. I often wonder if the questions will ever all be answered.
I know I must swim to a buoy, hold on, and wait in God’s timing, all the while tossing in the surf, praying anxiously for good news.
Some think that because Christians are saved in God’s grace, that life must be easy. I say that being a Christian is the most beautiful blessing I have ever known, but I am tested, too. I doubt. I scream. I question. I have slips of the tongue. And I worry.
Worrying is not what God tells us to do in times of angst. He tells us to leave the worry- to trust Him fully- to lay our fears at the cross. Tonight, doing this is difficult. I can’t muster the will to stand back up in this storm, so I will kneel.
Lord, thank you for loving me even when I don’t put my faith wholly in you. Help the worry subside. Amen.
thisblandlife 