Peace

Last night, as I was readying for bed, tending to my normal routine of brushing teeth, taking medicine, straightening the bed covers, and plugging in my phone on the bedside table, I was overcome with exhaustion. My head felt dizzy, and my body felt discombobulated. I sat on the edge of the bed to steady myself, and I had no idea that tears would begin flowing. I wasn’t prepared for them. I had had an awfully trying day with Samuel, but when Scott got home, I seemed to relax more, and we caught up on Downton Abbey. Maggie went to bed at 9, and Samuel fell asleep on me soon after. So, when I began the climb up the stairs for bed, I did not anticipate how my emotions would turn so quickly.

I laid down, Samuel at my side, Scott showering, and cried. I could not put my finger on it. Was it the exhaustion of the day? Was it the worry I consistently have about Samuel? Was it the always insecure staccato thoughts that make me wonder if I am doing any of it right?

Scott got in the bed and asked me. I simply told him that I didn’t know.

He drifted to sleep, and something (I say it was God) sent me to Maggie’s room.

She makes the sweetest sound in her sleep that she has made since birth. It is a kind of sweet sigh as she breathes out. I climbed into bed next to her and wrapped my arms around her tummy, entwined my feet with hers, and just absorbed the warmth of my first born baby. She never woke, but she held tightly to me, and the memories of life as a parent of 1 flooded my heart. Her curls against my face, her soft, small fingers holding my hand, her tapping feet dancing in the living room. Just her.

I immediately felt peace. I stayed about 20 minutes or so, and as I was leaving her room, I tripped on a metal wagon. It hurt my foot, but I stayed quiet, as to not wake her. She sat up quickly though, and said, “MOM, are you ok?”

She sounded grown. She said MOM- not mama or mommy. MOM.

I reassured her that I was ok. And she said, “I love when you lay by me. Good night.”

I smiled as I exited the room, crawled back into my bed, and thanked God for those precious moments- His gift to this mother’s heart.