Samuel, as I have mentioned many times, bangs his head. It has become increasingly worse, and his helmet will be here next week. Thankful for that. 

About 4 days ago, when we put him in his high chair, we noticed that he started throwing his head to the left. Back and forth, back and forth. He is not hitting it, and it almost looks like a tick, except that we know it isn’t because it is only happening in his chair. It is as if he cannot stop himself. He wants to stop, and when he can’t make himself, he begins to cry. So, we are having to sit by him and keep our hand on that side of his neck to keep him from hurting tendons or muscles.  Doing that also seems to bring him comfort. 

For some reason, this particular event has just broken me. I don’t know how to really help him. I can tell he is in distress, and I want to scream, “Lord!  Help my baby! Please help ME to know what to do for him!”

I took a short video of him to have for his next appointment and to share with his therapists.  Two steps forward developmentally, but 10 steps back with self injury and sensory issues. 

Scott has been gone since Wednesday but came home from Denver this afternoon. I am relieved and tired. 

I am also struggling with depression right now. Through all of this with Samuel, I have been heartsick, but depression is something chemical- unique- crippling, terrifying, even. 

I feel like a truck in a rut. I am the truck, and the more I spin my wheels, trying to escape, the hole just keeps deepening. Despair is the word I liken depression to. Despair is lost hope. And depression is not something to snap out of, so to speak. I must wait until the chemicals adjust themselves, stay steadfast with my medicine, and pray for this joy-smothering darkness to lift.