“Oh, what we could be, if we stopped carrying the remains of who we were.” Tyler Gregson

I read this quote this morning. It affected me differently than the many, many memes or quotes that I scroll through each week on the internet.  I immediately became solemn and began soul searching these words. With depression, there is a discontenment with life. Joy is a difficult state to possess, and activities that seem to be enjoyable are insurmountable at times. I often notice  myself thinking about my young adulthood before depression. I long for those days. But, I have never really thought that desiring that decade of my life could be holding me back from truly living in this decade. 
I pondered that thought most of the morning, but when Scott came in from the job site at noon, we all got dressed and headed out for some adventure. It didn’t cross my mind again. 

We decided to hike to St. Mary’s Glacier. We read about the glacier online, and the guide assured us that this nearly 1 mile hike was mild to moderate. We thought, “We can do this!”

So, last night, we bought a hiking child carrier for Samuel, we filled our new water bottles, and we laid out our hiking clothes (bought especially for this trip). Y’all, we are NOT hikers!  We are out of shape, overweight, and we try our darndest to park as close to the front door of Target as we can! Lol  

But, off we went, anyway! The view on the journey to the foot of the glacier was serene. Maggie loved the mountain tunnels, and the weather was crisp and cool. 

   
 We watched white water rafters along a creek, as we drove, too.  

When we parked to start our trek, Scott loaded Samuel in our handy dandy backpack, and Maggie and I grabbed our too cool for school water bottles. And, then we got to the foot of the “mild to moderate” trail. I took about 10 steps and nearly died from altitude sickness. My calves haven’t worked that hard since my college days at the intramural center. I looked at Maggie, and she said, “It’s okay if you and Daddy can’t do this. I know you are older than me, and I am worried about you.” I just laughed and pretended that I was the super star hiker that everyone else knows I’m not. 

It was rocky, and I kept thinking either I was going to break my ankle, or Scott was going to go tumbling with Sam. But, I kept moving. We all kept moving. I was in the lead, and we were about 1/3 of the way up, when that quote slapped me in the forehead again. I mean, I can hardly breathe, and THIS is what I am thinking about? So, I tried to push it away. But, God had other plans. I listened to my own shallow breathing against the sounds of wildlife and the trail of crackling rocks, and in those minutes, God spoke. He said, “You are an amazing person.  One whom I created. One who CAN do this. Just pray to Me. I will help you through. You are not the person you used to be. That is okay. I can make you who I want you to be. Trust Me. ”

And, I did. I labored forward, and I prayed my soul out. I prayed for the will to stay the course. I prayed for Scott to be able to make it, as I knew he wanted to so badly. I prayed that Maggie would be inspired to always keep moving, even when life is hard. I prayed that Samuel would be content.  I prayed for peace- for deep down joy. I just prayed- and climbed. And, I let God mold me into someone He wanted me to be, not someone I wished I still was. 

I made it! We all made it. And, my gracious, the view was spectacular. It was as if God had painted His landscape just for our viewing- for my soul. It was glorious. And, we are officially hikers! 

I sat on a large boulder and cried. I cried for who I will never be again, and I cried for the joy that I know God will bring in the years to come. But, mostly, I cried because trusting Him is the most freeing feeling in the world. Thank you, Lord.