When I was a little girl, I jumped into a pool at a family reunion. I remember thinking that I was headed for shallow water, but I leapt without inspecting which side was deeper. It was only a millisecond, after plunging in, that the panic began. I sank. I sank quickly and silently. There was no thrashing or screaming for help. Thankfully, a man, who was fully clothed, saved me. When my body broke the surface, I breathed. I inhaled so violently and vigorously, that my lungs felt like an inferno. They burned, and the tears came. Sobs and shaking overtook me. My mother was there with me. She wrapped me tightly in her arms. She made it better. 

Since moving to Colorado, 1 week and 3 days ago, Samuel has begun to regress. He has been out of therapy for 3 weeks, and he is losing ground developmentally and emotionally. It is terrifying. He started banging his head again, about 4 days ago. We have gone 2 months without having to use his protective helmet. It started with gently banging his toys to his forehead, and it has now progressed into full-blown wall bashing and floor hitting. It moved quickly from sensory stimming to self-injurous. And, while I was making supper, he hit his head so hard on the kitchen floor, that the sound made my teeth hurt. My jaws ached. I scooped him into my arms and kissed every inch of his baby face. Within a minute, the knot appeared. Within 5 minutes, the knot manifested into a goose egg. I cried. I sank to the floor and wailed. I try so hard to guard and watch for the signs, so that I can intervene before he hurts himself. But, sometimes I can’t. Mostly, I cried, wondering if my precious boy ever feels like he is drowning, too. Does he wish I would deliver him from this agony of sensory imbalance? Does he want to scream out for help? Does he know that I would risk my own life to save his? Does he feel it when I swaddle him in my comfort? Does his mind singe, like my lungs when I gasped for air? Is he racked with helplessness, too? 

He starts therapy at his new facility on Monday. We will have his glasses in the next couple of weeks, too. Please, Lord, hold my baby above the water. Help him to swim, Lord. Help him to swim.