There was another mass shooting today in America. I have stopped watching the news. I only see bits and pieces on my facebook feed, and I try hard to avoid seeing specifics. Randomly, I will catch a glimpse of a death toll, yet avoid  the circumstances surrounding the evil deeds of one, two, three, perhaps. 

But, this evening, as I scrolled, a map appeared. It was covered in numbers. It was hard to differentiate where one state ended and another began.  So riddled with markers, that I could not look away. And, when I acknowledged just what was before me, I hanged my head and sat still, with nausea, for what seemed like an hour. I couldn’t bring myself to look back at those numbers and pinpoints. But, I did. I made myself face what I had been avoiding. The map was of mass shootings in 2015. The numbers and occurrences- staggering. 

It was then, in my incredulousness, that I thought of Columbine. I was in college, living next door to my cousin, Ashley. We stood at her tv in sheer horror. We sobbed for the travesty of this mass murder. We cried for the families and students in Littleton, CO. Bewildered. Utter disbelief. 

Today, nearly 17 years later, we see multiple tragedies, like Columbine, unfold weekly. And, I no longer cry. I am no longer shocked with horror. I cannot watch for hours, holding my breath for the final count of the deceased. I do not want to know who the offenders are or whatever their reason could possibly be to destroy life.

Has my heart hardened? Why aren’t my emotions raw with hurt each time another gunman pulls the trigger, disintegrating more human beings?  Is it that I, or even society, has become desensitized to it all? Have we gone numb? Have we seen so many deaths, that the impact of individual life does not actually  impact us anymore? I mulled these questions over and over as I bathed Samuel, as I straightened the living room, as I turned on the Christmas lights.

Really, we (society) are extremely sympathetic to the plights of the deceased and their loved ones.  And, it is because we put ourselves in their proverbial shoes, that what we have learned so maddeningly well is self-preservation. We don’t want to be innundated with 24 hour media coverage any more. I turn my face away, desperately pleading with my mind to not take me down that path of worry and grief. I cannot allow myself to experience true empathy during these horrendous happenings any more. When I do, I ache so deeply for the families of the dead, that I cannot breathe, and then I die a thousand deaths with thoughts of my own family succumbing to something like this. Because, in reality, killing many people in one fell swoop is not rare anymore. And, the opposite of rare is common. And, common is just too close to home. 

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/heres-a-map-of-all-the-mass-shootings-in-2015/