Today, after therapy, Maggie and I took Sam to the little splash pad next to our house. His shoes are waterproof, so I just let him go in his shorts and tee, and he ran straight for the first spout that was cascading into the air. He noticed a bucket on the ground, and he picked it up and began throwing it, in perfect Samuel style. He throws everything. Balls are his favorite, along with his Sophie, but give him any container and he throws with full gusto. 

I sat next to a mother whose two boys were playing, and her 3 year old approached Samuel, wanting to talk. I waited as long as I could to explain that Samuel has autism and a chromosome duplication that leaves him nonverbal and socially behind. I didn’t want to. I just flat out didn’t want to HAVE to explain that my child isn’t rude, that he is just incapable of making connections in that way. I didn’t want to say the word autism one more time. I didn’t want to acknowledge his differences for one more instant. But, I did. I did for his sake. I did to protect him from judgement. I did so that the woman could understand and help her child understand that Samuel can’t talk. I did, so it was known why he walks on his tip toes or throws items uncontrollably, or why he is still in diapers at 4. 

And, as much as I wanted to enjoy his pure happiness with the bucket and pouring water, I just felt sad today. And, I have decided that it’s okay! It’s okay to let grief sit for a minute and invade your heart. It’s alright for it to hurt. It’s okay that my son has differences, which brings a knot to my throat that can’t be swallowed. Because, it is in these moments of utter tear-filled heartache that God whispers his comfort and peace. He has so much mercy and grace to give. More so than every grain of sand in the world.  He himself is every single thing I need in my moment of sadness. He is it. And, when I look to Him in that instant, my heart feels less burdened, and I remember that Samuel is His perfectly created child with imperfections, just like all of His children.  

Samuel left with a new bucket that this sweet mom gave to him, just because he liked it so much. See, just look how good God is. He is my rock and salvation. He is my very present help in times of trouble. He is the comforter to my heavy-laden soul when my own bucket feels empty.