Samuel, my son

I decided to run errands today by myself. We had actually all planned to go, but Maggie still isn’t feeling well, so I went it alone. Samuel needed clothes. He is going to mother’s day out one day a week, but that is increasing to 2 days very soon, and with a little crispness in the air of this gorgeous day, I knew he needed pants that didn’t look like clam diggers (as my mama calls them). 
I was driving to Katy Mills, when the thought occured to me: I am going to buy clothes for my autistic son. 
I know that sounds odd, but the mind jolts thoughts on its own at times, and sometimes they are not pleasant ones. 
I parked my car and sobbed. 
I called my mama, asking her if I would always think things like this. She reassured me that Samuel being autistic will be our new normal and that it would not slap me in the face each time I thought of him. Afterall, as my granny said, “Nothing has changed about Samuel. Today is the same as it was yesterday. Now, you just know what you are dealing with.”  
They are such wise women. 
I love Samuel even more today than I did yesterday and the day before that. He is still curly headed and beautiful. His laugh still melts my soul. His head banging still breaks my heart. His silence is still deafening, and I still desperately want to hear “MAMA” flow off his lips into the vastness of this world. That word- meant just for me, by him. 
So, after I gathered my thoughts, and my mama wiped my tears from 4 hours away, I shopped. Not for autistic Samuel…  Just for Samuel, my son. 



What we know.. What we don’t

Yesterday was Sam’s neurology appointment at Texas Children’s. Dr. Holick is really wonderful with him and with his anxious, worried parents. She has been his neuro since he was born, and she performed the EEG when he was just a few months old. I am thankful for her thoroughness and the time she takes for him. His formal diagnoses are: Global Developmental Delay, Autism Spectrum,  and Hypotonia.

There are links at the bottom of this blog for each disorder that can better explain them than I can, but I will give a brief run through of each. 
Global Developmental Delay is a kind of all-encompassing late development in children. He is delayed in most every area, hence the global title. 
Austism Spectrum is exactly what it sounds like. He has autism, but until his appointment with the autism center and further testing, we just don’t know where he falls on the spectrum. 
Hypotonia is low muscle tone. Samuel is “loosey goosey,” as we all call it. He has core muscle problems, slouches deeply when he sits, poor coordination when walking, has a wide stance, and cannot use his hands at the level that a 20 month old should be able to. 
So, with all that said, the neuro is concerned that he may have some type of muscle connectivity issues, and she is doing some genetic testing for metabolic, and muscle disorders. She is fairly certain, by the MRI results, that whatever it is that it is not degenerative, which means that he should not progressively get worse. That is pure and simply put, a blessing. 
She is having him add OT to his regimen at the hospital to work on sensory skills, as the head banging is just awful now. She is also having him fitted for a helmet to protect his little noggin. 
So, that is what we know now. More answers, and more questions. 
 
On somewhat of a side note, I would like to mention some things that can encourage and discourage parents of autistic children:
We love prayers. We covet each of them, as we know God listens to every one of them. He is the great physician, and I believe he will help Samuel through all of this. Please pray. 

Please do not tell us that our child “Doesn’t look autistic.” Autism does not have a “look.” It is not a dysmorphic syndrome, with signs of a different outer appearance than “normal” people. 
We do love support and kind words. Words can make or break a person’s day when they are struggling. 
 
It is unsettling when people who have only briefly interacted with our child say, “He can’t be autistic. He seems normal. “
Remember, you are only getting a glimpse of such a large panoramic. For example:  Samuel smiles in pictures. That’s the glimpse. But, the reality is that he does not smile in response to others, and that the picture you see on facebook took many, many tries with various toys and noises that interest him. 
I truly would pay a million dollars to see that smile every second of the day, so I try to get as many as I can.  
People don’t know that Samuel uses his head to “feel deeply” what he cannot sense enough with his hands, or
that he refuses to walk on grass and concrete. 
There are many facets of day-to-day life 
that only those closest to him see. 
We appreciate suggestions of resources and advice so much.  We are reading everything we can get our hands and minds around to help our child. We love book suggestions, sensory resources, and we find peace in others’ stories, as well. Knowing we are not alone helps immensely. 
I realize that this particular post is
very matter of fact. But, sometimes that is easier to deal with than the worry and grief that comes when our life plans don’t work out. That is when I remember that our plan was never meant to be, but that God’s plan was. And, when we follow
His plan, things will be just fine. He knew Samuel before he put him in my womb. He has a purpose. 

Thank you so much for all your messages, prayers, love, support, and kind words. We love you. 

He went, he cried, he conquered

Today, Sam finally made it to his first day of Mother’s Day Out. I was a wreck from the moment I opened my peepers, after hitting the snooze button for the 4th time. 

I got Maggie off to school and came home around 8 to feed and bathe Sam. I packed his little bag with lunch, snacks, and sippy cups, and away we went. 
His teachers are so loving and attentive, and his therapist, Jeanie, came to see him while he played. He had an overall good day, with no head banging. That was the most exciting part for me! I was thrilled. He even took a nap. He cried some, ate very little, but he did observe the other children, even though he can’t interact with them yet. He found lots of things that spin and twirl, so he seemed pretty content. I am looking forward to his next day. I didn’t take pictures. 😦 I think I was just too crazy this morning to remember. But, when I came into his class to pick him up, his teachers showed me pictures that they took for me. How sweet! 

Pity Party for 1, your life is waiting..

Last weeknd was such a pleasant weekend, although Sam, Maggie, and I still had colds and upper respiratory issues. We were not too miserable, but it is obviously contagious. We didn’t go to church, and I really love that time of worship; it fuels me for the week ahead. 

We made the best of the situation, anyway, and stayed in and enjoyed the dreary, blissful, rainy, cool weather that God sent as a surprise! 
This weekend, after Maggie ended up with Bronchitis and needed a breathing treatment, we are, yet again, lying low. My mama spent a few days with us and went home last night. 
When our family is home together, Samuel is so much calmer than when one of us is missing. He had fewer head-banging episodes, and he played more. It is hard to explain, really, but when Samuel plays, it is almost as if he is deaf at times. We can call his name, but sometimes he doesn’t respond by looking toward us. This happens more so when he feels frustrated or is very honed into a paritcular noise. He is still silent, with a few squeals here and there, but he moves his lips up and down like he is thinking very hard. He clapped his hands one time for my daddy on facetime. He has never done this, so I am hoping it will become more continuous. 
His pedi, and his Early Intervention Specialist suspect that Samuel is autistic. Liza, his PT did the M-Chat R evaluation, and it confirmed what we have feared in our heart for months. I have taught and helped many autistic children, and he has nearly every sign. A lot of people have the misconception that all autistic children are disconnected or removed. That is true to a certain extent, but not in all areas. Samuel smiles for pictures because he is very sound sensitive. He is obessed with noises, like the click of my camera, or a particular whistle my dad and Scott do to produce a smile. He is completely engaged with sounds. That is why he smiles. This is also why he bangs his head in frustration. He knows so much more than he can tell us. And, there is already so much “noise” in his head, that he becomes over stimulated to other noises. No one who sees his pictures would know that Samuel has very little receptive language skills, as in he doesn’t show us that he is understanding what we say to him. For example, most nearly 2 year olds will smile if you say, “Smile for mommy!”  He has no concept of what I am asking him to do. He cannot come when we we ask him too, either. So, until some of those skills come, he may not talk for a while, or maybe he won’t talk. We just don’t know.  The spectrum is so broad, and only more tests and therapy can lead us to a more specific diagnosis. 
He is indifferent to other children his age and is disengaged in daycare during my weekly Bible study. He is afraid to be near other children, and when held by adults, he is indifferent. He will focus on one object that sounds appealing, and spins/twirls, and he blocks out the world around him. He has core muscle issues,too. So, basically time will tell us where God will lead us. 

BUT, I have such praises to exclaim and shout, because my sweet boy is emotionally connected to his family. I am fortunate to have my child be able to
show me affection, even when he cannot
call me mama. I am the luckiest person in the world. There are many mamas and daddies who do not have these luxuries of hugs and snuggles. God is good to me. I appreciate Him knowing my limits as His child. 
We have 3 appointments lined up- neuro on the 30th, then 2 austim specialist centers. Tomorrow, depending on how
we feel, we are going to tour a wonderful half day program school for Samuel’s needs. 
So, after wallowing in my pity party, sadness, confusion, and grieving for the way I had life all planned out for my children, I gave it to my Father in heaven. I know he has been waiting for days for me to pour out my heart and tears to Him, and I am sure He was relieved when I laid it at His feet. What will be- will be. He is my refuge and strength. He will give us rest. He will grant the desires of our hearts. He is here to prosper us, not to harm us. He IS grace. He is sufficient, and His love- abundant. 
 
I used to think that having a child with a  condition like autism was one of the worst possible things as a mother that I would have to manage. Boy, was I  wrong! 
Living in this world without this precious, unique soul would be far worse. Thank you, Lord, for the blessing that is Samuel. 

 

I feel a blog coming on…

It has been a crazy 2 weeks at the Bland house. Maggie started back to public school this year, and she is really enjoying it. 
First Day of School! 4th grade!
Samuel had a tough time adjusting to her being gone. He’s always had her at home, so when she gets out of the car in the drop off line, he wails all the way home. Poor fella. He misses her so much.  As these 2 weeks progressed, I think I am beginning to see him doing better. 
Labor Day weekend came and went- too fast! We had plans to go to Dallas for the weekend, as we have not been able to travel much in the last few years. We thought we’d stay at a hotel for 2 nights, swim, go to the aquarium, and eat at BABE’S!  FYI: best fried chicken in the universe! 
When Friday came, Samuel had therapy, Maggie had a migraine, and the laundry hadn’t even been finished. We toyed with the idea of going somewhere closer, because Sam hates the car. We thought about Hill Country or Galveston, but rain was coming, and we ruled that out. 
So, Scott thought of the best idea. He thought we should have a staycation. He was tired from traveling and is still recouping from leg surgery, so we got a game system and raced our wheels right off in Mario Cart. Lol 
We got good food to cook, swam for the last time this season, and just enjoyed being together. We also had a no house work rule, which I loved the most! 

Kids swimming, one last time 2014

The second week of school went by pretty quickly, too. Sam met his teacher for the mother’s day out program, and he seemed to do well. I have had a hard time reconciling the fact that he is delayed; it really hit me hard when I saw him with 7 other kids his age who were so much more on target than he is. They were talking and pulling out chairs and putting puzzle pieces in their places. My quiet Sam kept to himself, but was content. I am thankful that he seemed happy there. His first full day is Monday. 

 

His teacher, Mrs. Mary!

Maggie had an eye appointment, and she  found out that she needs glasses! She picked out such a fun pair of purple frames. They fit her personality. 


Scott and I are just trying to get into the swing of things again, and I am thinking (and hoping) that my house will be a whole lot cleaner on Mondays! 🙂


Blank pages..

My mother told me tonight that I should write a book. My dad, Scott, and my closest friends have often said this, as well. So I said to my mama, “I don’t know what type of book to write. Every time I think about it, I can’t imagine what genre or subject matter I would plot.”

She replied with, “Jannan, write what you know.” 
Such wise words, but they left me wondering what I do, in fact, know. I know about parenting, at least my parenting. I know about teenagers, as teaching gives a certain insight into their complex, formative years. I know about marriage, in the sense of trials, triumphs, and the work it takes, as well as, the rewards it brings. I know I have a bit of wit, but do I have enough to write a book that is full of comedic timing and a bit off the cuff? 
One thing I am certain of is that I do not want to write romance, as I am not sure I could stomach using some kind of phrase like “throbbing member.”  And, I feel an unrest within this genre, because being a Christian doesn’t allow me, nor would I want it to, to put my faith on a shelf and bear that type of witness to those who happen to read what I write. 
Although, my college roommate and I joked that I could have a pen name and sell millions.  Sci-fi is also completely out of the question. My computer might die of old age before I would get that book written. Not a fan! 
I used to prepare my students for their first writing assignment of the school year by saying to them, “Writing is an amazing gift to the world. Just think; you are about to create something that no one else in the world has ever imagined or put into this universe. This is a unique piece of art that will form in your unique mind, then escape through fingertips, which are also unique unto you.”
I think that is part of the reason I enjoy blogging so much. It is my creation, alone.  
I am going to do this; I have decided. And, not because I expect to be famous or in hopes of becoming a wealthy gal,  but for the satisfaction of finishing something that has always been important to me to start. 
may not yet know what category it will tumble into, but fall into place, it will. 
I may just have blank pages at the moment, but they are full of possiblities, just waiting to be filled. 

I think…

I felt the weight of being a mother today. I have been tugged on, hit at, head butted, climbed on, and bitten. All that in just one miserable day. I also hear this nagging voice in the back of my head saying, “Who are you?  Are you just a mother? Would the real Jannan Bland please stand up!”

I know that my children and husband are my top priorities, besides my realtionship with Christ. But, after that, it all seems as if I am looking through fogged glasses. 
I have absolutely no idea what I will do as my children age, and Samuel goes to school. Some would tell me not to worry, that I have time to figure it all out. But, I know that time is fleeting. Before I realize it, both of my children will be well on their way, submerged in more activites, school, friends, and then college. I don’t believe that I will ever go back to the classroom, as I struggle deeply with the pressure teachers and students deal with from state testing. It is stressful, worrisome, and not how I believe God intended for our children to learn. 
I tried getting my Masters degree, but found myself feeling sad that my attention was being taken away from Maggie. I have many thoughts of what I might do. I think that I will finally write my book. I love the written word so deeply. I think I might finally hone my photography skills. I think I might go back to school to be a nurse or a speech therapist. I think I might get my Masters in English and teach Hemingway till my heart’s content. I think, I think, I think.  Maybe I just need to take the weighters off, leap in the water, and start swimming toward a goal until I have reached shore. Maybe the real Jannan Bland should stand up, not sell herself short, and leave it in the Master’s hands. 

Sounds of summer..

Splashing of chlorinated water, squeals and giggles of little children running on pruned toes with their swim noodles– the last sights and sounds of sweet summertime. 
We really didn’t have an eventful season this year. We swam some, visited family a little, had an awesome 4th/birthday party, did VBS, and watched lots of movies and Disney channel. Maggie topped her time off with a concert.  And, we ancient technologists played Mario Cart on our aging Wii. 
I am not ready for my girl to leave me in the morning, so I am pretending that today will last forever.  Of course, it would be easier to pretend if it wasn’t 100° outside. 
Sianara cold water dives, playing outside till dark, and late nights. See ya again next year. 

The Story of My Life

Yesterday, I took Maggie and my niece Avery to the One Direction concert. Oh my! They were so excited, but not nearly as excited as the squalling teenagers and their mothers all around us! Lol

I learned a few things: 
1. If you don’t know much about the opening act, don’t get to the stadium until about an hour after your ticket time. The girls were ansty waiting on the “real” concert to start, and it was nearly an hour and a half after the 7:00 start time that One Direction finally made the stage. 
This is particularly good advice for people with kids under 10. 
2. Eat beforehand. I totally get that buying all the stuff the venue sells for the concert is par for the course, but spending $40 on 3 hotdogs, 1 drink, and a small fry is craziness. Save that $40 for the dessert and goodies when you get there. The girls ate their supper, then ice cream, then cotton candy, and THEN peanuts. They were stuffed and happy. I was stuffed and poor. 
3. Spend the $15 for a light stick that changes into every color of the rainbow. It made the girls feel like thet were really a  part of the show. They loved them, and I am glad I bought them, even if they will break tomorrow. 
4. Buy your One Direction tees before the concert, not AT the concert. We did that and were soo glad. The lines were miles long just to get a tee. 
5. Sit in a section next to a bathroom. I had not thought of this when I bought the tickets online. But, I was extremely thankful that our seats were about 15 steps from the nearest bathroom. It was especially nice, because little girls “have to go NOW!” Oh, and so do old gals. 
Lol
6. Throw caution to the wind, and dance like you think you can, even if you know you can’t. I did, and the girls laughed and laughed, and I loved every minute of it. 
7. Soak it up, and make it memorable with pictures that will last forever, but don’t get caught up in the pictures as much as you want to be caught up in just enjoying the moment with these precious girls. 
8. Have someone drop you off and pick you up. It saved a ton on parking, it was close to the door, and I felt safer being with 2 little girls at night alone in a big city with a bunch of crazed lunatics. 
10. Bring earplugs. It will increase your stay time. The girls’ ears were hurting a little over halfway through the One Direction part of the night. They lasted a while longer, but we had to call it quits before the end AND before they sang the only song I love- “The Story of my Life.”  I thought the title was appropriate. Ha! 
The concert was great, the company was fantastic, and the imprint on my heart and mind will last forever. Thanks to my parents for such a great gift for their grand girls. 
Before the concert

Selfie with the girls

All those lights–iphones. Wow!

After the concert. 

Faith anew..

lie here, once again, with my sweet boy tucked into me, breathing beautiful melodies of the dreamland he is in. But, tonight is much different. This darkness is sublime. There is not a whirling of worry bouncing inside my head. There are no tense and heavy-ladened muscles in my shoulders. There is only a peace and calm that is beyond my small mind’s grasp. It is a type of serenity that only comes from my Father in heaven. He brought my Sam through a tough day, gave us answers, and showed us a sign that we needed, to know everything will, indeed, be okay. Only He can do that. 
Sometimes I forget that Maggie and Samuel are not His only children in this house. He comforted Scott and me today, and I will praise His name forever. Thank you, Jesus.