The very beginning…
Scott and I tried to conceive for years and years before getting pregnant with Samuel. 7 long years. I wasn’t working before I found out I was pregnant, because we had chosen to take Maggie out of public school due to some health issues. Our budget was set and tight, but we managed. My mother called me one day around April 2012, and she asked me if I wanted to try fertility treatments. I had done that when we tried and tried to no avail before I finally conceived naturally with Maggie. I wasn’t sure I wanted to do that again. She told me that, of course, she wasn’t pressuring me, but that she and my daddy would like to help us, if we wanted to go that route. So, we did, and I visited with my specialist. I have trouble ovulating, so my doctor suggested an IUI before IVF, which is more expensive and invasive. We had sonograms, and the injections and pills were sent to our home through an online pharmacy by mid May. All I had to do was wait for my cycle to start and then we’d be on the road to, hopefully, a baby!
I never started my cycle. The medicine sat on the shelf for a few weeks. I went to the doctor in tears, because I just didn’t know if this stress was more than I could take emotionally. He said not to worry, because I WAS PREGNANT! No medicine- just God’s timing.
I say all of that to preface what I will be writing next.
First of all, Samuel was meant to be. He is made in God’s image and was sent to our family for a purpose. I have never doubted that, and I never will. He makes me a stronger person, and I treasure each day with him and Maggie.
My pregnancy was difficult at best and unbearble at worse. I had Hyperemesis Gravidarum, diabetes with insulin injections, migraines, the flu, and too many hospital stays to count from dehydration and high blood sugar. I was bed-ridden, and there came a point where I could not even muster enough heart to pray out to God for help. He ended up carrying me, even without me asking. He is just so good that way.
My mama came and helped Scott take care of Maggie and groceries and me. My due date was February 5, 2013, but I had to deliver early because of Sudden Fetal death risk in late term pregnancy of diabetic women. I had Sam on January 22, 2013, in a repeat C-section. The section went wonderfully. Samuel never left my arms. He never stayed in the nursery, and he had no complications at birth. He was healthy. He latched and nursed beautifully for the first 24 hours, and he slept peacefully. He even took a pacifier well.
Then, things changed. We still don’t know exactly what happened, and I am not sure we will ever know. But, Sam was different. He quit suckling. He choked and turned blue in the mouth during his feedings, whether it was bottled breastmilk or at the breast itself. He began having twitching and spasms shortly after coming home from the hospital, and he had severe silent reflux. This is called Sandifer’s syndrome. It is rare to have it without a hernia causing it, but he did. He was put on Zantac and a compounded type of Prevacid for infants by his GI specialist. His speech (for suckling problems) therapist tried every nipple imaginable and tried to show him to suck, swallow, breathe instead of his way of sucking, breathing, swallowing, and choking.
I began pumping every 3 hours, 8 times a day. I also encouraged him to nurse to sleep, as it seemed to calm the twitching some. The doctor ordered an EEG to see if he was having infantile spasms (seizures). That was so scary, but the results were good, and I felt such immense relief.
Over the first 4 months, Samuel slept between 20-22 hours a day. He just would not wake up, and when he did wake, he struggled and cried out. He was obviously so miserable. The medicines helped some, but he just didn’t seem right. That’s the only way we knew how to put it. After sleeping for so long, he wasn’t meeting his milestones. He didn’t have great head control until about 6 months. He didn’t roll over until well into his 8th month, and he didn’t start crawling until he was nearly 14 months. He finally started walking some around 17 months. We worried that he could be on the autisim spectrum. We worried that he may have had some type of stroke after birth. We worried, worried, and worried some more. We researched until our hands and eyes were weary. We just don’t know.
He has an Early Intervention Specialist and a physical therapist that comes to our house weekly. He tested cognitively, very intelligent. That was reassuring! He cannot hold a cup, clap, wave, or say vowel or consonant sounds still.
Today, at his 18 month check up, the doctor noticed his eyes are moving in separate directions when he looks at things. I noticed it about a week ago, but tried not to worry, yet again. He is growing and progressing, just slowly. He is scheduled to see an eye specialist at Texas Children’s soon, as well as, a developmental specialist, to see if he may need an MRI or CAT scan. He has been breaking out in hives pretty regularly, and we know of 3 foods and dyes he is allergic to, so time will tell where that leads us.
What I do know, and have learned from all of this, is that no matter where our path with our mysterious Sam leads us, God is always many steps ahead preparing the life He has in store for our son and our family. Once again, He has shown me that laying it all before Him- the worry, the unnecessary guilt, the fears and anxiety- is the only way I will get through the next steps on this journey. I have much to be grateful for. I have a precious boy with a fabulous smile and sense of humor. I have a son who lights my own path with joy and purpose.
I read this on a blog written by a fellow mother. It just fits perfectly:
thisblandlife 