Git’er done

/ jannanbland / 4 Comments

Do I dare say it? We are on the road to recovery? Well, it seems that way, thank the Lord. Samuel is feeling so much better, and we were even able to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese hell (as Scott calls it). Sam was mesmorized by all of the games, and Maggie had a blast. 

Samuel was standing by a machine, and this crazy kid who works there was running around from place to place, and he stepped right on Sam. He had no clue and kept right on walking. He was obviously trying to do too many things at once, and I just felt like he was one of those rare teenagers these days who was toiling away, trying to do his best. So, when he came back, (again speed walking) I stopped him and told him in a nice way that he had obviously accidentally knocked my baby to the ground. The look on his face just verified my initial feelings. He was devastated. He was so apologetic and played with Maggie and Sam for a while. He gave free coins to them and even showed Maggie an easy way to win tons of tickets from one of the games. He checked on us about 50 times after that. 
So, I write all of that to say this:

We are a society of “why should I, if it doesn’t benefit me?”

There are 2 major words that stick out. I and ME!  I was at Walmart, Lord give me strength, a while back, and there were no carts anywhere to be found. I asked an associate where I could find a cart, as my hands were full, and there was more shopping to be done. The guy told me, “I’m not sure; I don’t work in that department; I can’t help you.” 
This is what I heard: I don’t know; I don’t care; I won’t help you. 
He was young and had absolutely no concept of how going the extra mile for another individual can be intrinsically rewarding. He had no grasp that this world wasn’t created to be a “me” world. It was created for us to help our brothers and sisters. It wasn’t his fault at all, though. This kid was never taught or shown that when you are employed at a company, that you are a representative of the company as a whole. What you do and don’t do reflects on the business’s reputation and bottom line. But, more importantly, he didn’t have the work ethic or desire to help his fellow man. He had a walkie talkie, and he had legs. I’m pretty sure he would have lived through the trauma of having to do anything more than what his job description may list. He was frozen to the floor with a look of disgust that I would actually call him out on helping a customer! How dare I? 
By the way, all of the carts were outside, and the go-getters were just standing there looking at the misty weather, not wanting to get wet. Don’t even get me started on that! And, where was the manager? In his office. 
All I kept thinking was ME, ME, ME!  





We have got to decide as a society to stop wasting time pointing the finger else where, turn it toward ourselves, and say, “If not me, then who? I choose to be a conscientious person who finds the goodness in helping others. I take my job seriously, whether it is working as a bag boy or as a hospital surgeon.”

I have found this to be an extremely useful attitude and perspective to have while teaching school. Did I want to take another teacher’s duty, so she could take care of a parent’s needs? Of course not! Did I do it to help the greater good of our students?  You better believe it. There are tons of examples of everyday decisions that can either enhance our character and work places, or show others that we are just self-serving people. I hope parents, teachers, churches will truly emphasize the importance of a life-well-lived mentality, so that the youth of today become the decent, diligent leaders of tomorrow. Our world depends on it. 

"Shell" be coming round…

/ jannanbland / Leave a comment

Sam got to see his first turtle today, as Scott heroically saved him from certain death (our neighborhood road). Ha! 

He has been through some tough times, his shell scarred and missing pieces. Maggie was so afraid it would tinkle on Sam! I have no idea why! Sam was not interested at all! 

I ventured out..

/ jannanbland / Leave a comment

Today, I left my house!  If this doesn’t sound like anything special, then you are leading a life of bliss! I have been holed up in this house for most of the month of June. What might you ask, did I do on my grand outing? 

I went to Walgreens!  Oh yes! A new antibiotic for Sam and some shampoo for my curly headed child. 

Next up, 

Mae dog needed a new bed, and they have good prices! I browsed this store full of junk for nearly 45 minutes, just to enjoy being away from home. 
I also purchased a dog collar, doggie shampoo, a few sippy cups, and play mustaches. 

Sam was pleasant for a few minutes today, and we got a great shot of him looking like Mario and Luigi. 

But, soon after, he threw a fit of epic proportions. He was inconsolable. He lay in the floor, after biting and hitting Scott and me. He cried and screamed and pulled his own hair. He rolled and coughed and and hit at his ears.  It was the most pitiful sight. 

I think he is just so very tired of being sick and tired, and now the hives are wearing him down. I just picked him up and held him so close and cried and prayed over him. I, of course, called my mama and cried some more. 

It will all be okay. I believe this. I know this. Bring on tomorrow. 

As I lay me down to sleep

/ jannanbland / Leave a comment

I am here, lying quietly in a hushed room with the whirring of a box fan that seems to keep changing its rhythm. Samuel is tucked comfortably into my side, and the delicious sighs that come with every few of his sleeping breaths are all I need in this moment. 

Today was a hard day. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of snotty noses, coughs that never end, and diapers that flood my garbage. I saw Maggie with her half wistful frown desperately needing me. All of me. I felt torn. I hate that feeling. She has had a month of cabin fever, and in this world of crazies, I just don’t let her outside to ride her bike care-free like when I was a kid. No playing in the woods or fort building. No running up the tracks to Clark’s Country Store for a root beer and candy. No staying out till dark, coming in filthy from an imaginative day full of dirt and creativity. She is watched. All of the time. I wonder often what this is doing to our children. How do we let them grow into who they create for themselves to be? Do we move to a more secluded area where cars are fewer and people don’t speed in children-filled neighborhoods? Do I continue to be a park parent, so that she can enjoy outdoors under careful supervison? I have a hard time finding balance. 
I gave Samuel to Scott after dinner and spent quality time with Mag, helping her with her new scrapbook. It was fun, and carefree and perfect. She got ALL of me, even if it was just for a little while. 
These are my thoughts as I lay me down to sleep. 

What I dig

/ jannanbland / Leave a comment

Music. Music to me is what makes the unbearable of life manageable. It can take just one good song from memories’ past to lift a mood, draw a tear, or find the strength to move forward in this hard knocked world. It is such a broad subject to write about, as the genres are numerous, the decades are many, and the songs- millions! 

Growing up, I often woke to the Beatles and Jimmy Buffett, and on nights when the tv was put to bed, and my dad sat reading a new book, Roy Orbison, James Taylor, Willie Nelson, and the great Johnny Cash played their melodic tunes to a peacful house. 
My dad infused our very cores with Louis Armstrong, Al Green, Aretha Franklin, and other greats of the 50’s, 60’s and on and on. 
In the car, the Stones, the Eagles, Hendrix, the Beach Boys or any catchy diddy that he could play finger drums to on the steering wheel became fair game. 
We pretended to be Coral Reeferettes, as Buffett’s back ups, or Mr. Utley as part of Jimmy’s band. My dad was a radio dj and avid drummer, who knows anything and everything about songs and their artists. How do I know who the Strawberry Alarm Clocks are? My dad. They gave a hit wonder with “Incense and Peppermint,” just one odd tune as the 60’s were traversing into the weird music of the 70’s. 
Sometimes I reevaluate just what my favorite song is. It is always hard to pinpoint, but I always come back to “Let it Be,” and following in close second is “Yesterday.” It evokes such emotion in me, that even when I put it on replay, I can never get enough. 
So, what’s your song? What music takes away your blues or lightens your heart? What music takes you to a place of hope? What music gives you that umph you need to keep kickin? 

The big D

/ jannanbland / Leave a comment

No, not Divorce. Depression. 

My story
When I was a little girl, I knew I was different from the time I was about 5. I am sure my parents knew much earlier than that, as signs of my disorder began to show. It is a deeply personal, yet a too silenced subject that we are only on the cusp of in our daily conversations. It is sometimes joked about on fb, sometimes dismissed, and sometimes exaggerated by those seeking attention. 
I have Obessive Compulsive Disorder, OCD. My doctors have suggested that it was triggered when our house burned. My particular disorder is coupled with severe depression that, at times, takes me on a rollercoaster ride, whether I’m ready or not. 
I am an evens girl. I have to do things and have things in evens. ALWAYS. 4 or 6 pieces of ice in my glass, 2 or 4 times turning off a light switch, 2 kisses- one on each cheek. The same goes for hugs. And when I play the piano, I struggle because the left hand gets a less even amount of play time than my right hand. I untie and retie both shoes in 2’s and 4’s.  
Then there are other things, like arranging objects, washing my hands incessantly, and making sure that the rugs in my house are straight. It is exhausting. 
See, with OCD, there is often a “pay off.” An “if I do this, then this will or will not happen.” Mine is my mother. If I don’t do evens, then something will happen to my mama. Again, every doctor I have seen for this associates it with the house burning, as my mama was the last to leave it. My OCD reached a pinnacle in college, and I sought help. I had to have help and therapy and medication. I was a miserable wreck. I kept it hidden in most cases, but when Scott and I got engaged, I just couldn’t any more. He needed to know my true self.  
I have been on medication since I was 22, minus pregnancy and nursing months with each child. I have learned to redirect my thoughts for the most part, but when tiredness and stressful situations arise, it sometimes rears its ugly head. Sometimes it causes me to freeze and to hesitate in living life to the fullness that God intended. It generates random, scary thoughts of death at times and makes me unable to leave my children with others. It causes panic, anxiety, and guilt. I think the guilt is the worst. I feel guilty if I don’t do or say the right thing to or for people I care about.
The depression was an added bonus. Yay, me! I couldn’t sleep, and when I was still teaching, I would come home at night and have the most horrendous worry while replaying every moment of the day in my head. I tossed and turned and kept Scott up many nights with tears and screams. I was a well-hidden mess. Only those closest to me know the toll it took.  
When Maggie was 6 years old, I had a change in medicine that sent me into a tailspin for months. I stopped going to church, stopped following through on anything I had previously agreed to. I would drop Maggie off at school, come home, never eat, never dress, and get back in the bed, only to awaken in time to pick her up from school. I could only relive in my mind past mistakes that logically I knew Christ had forgiven me for.  I had regrets that continuously felt like mountains to climb. Maggie was having health problems, and her school was not sensitive to her needs. And, I wanted a baby. It had taken 4.5 years for Maggie to enter this earth, and I had been trying for 6 to give her a sibling. She would plead for a brother or sister to love, and while I had no control over God’s plans, I sunk further into a kind of oblivion that is hard to imagine now. 
But, I got help. I entered an outpatient hospital program where I had the most caring therapist and doctor.  Scott took the reigns to help Maggie, while I had to help me- so I could, once again, be the mother she needed me to be. She was in 1st grade during that time. I went every morning at 8, and went through group and individual counseling for 8 hours a day. I met people like me, who were learning how to cope and how to not feel guilty about mental illness. I saw my doctor daily, and my medicine was adjusted accordingly. I learned how to live again, very slowly, with each week that passed. I read a book called The Happiness Project, and I began the devotional Jesus Calling. I kept a daily log of my blessings for the day. It helped me keep perspective. After I felt well enough to exit the program, school was coming to a close for Maggie. I worked so hard those months, and I finally handed over the baby issue to God. I remember praying and literally holding out my hands and giving Him all of those past mistakes, wants, needs, fears, and worries. 
2 months later, I found out I was pregnant with Samuel. 
It was difficult to come off of my medication, and for the first 6 weeks, my mom came and helped so much. I was in a fog of withdrawal and vomiting.The pregnancy ended up being the most trying 9 months of my life. With every passing hour, vomiting ensued. It lasted even through my delivery.  I was a diabetic on insulin. I couldn’t sleep, my OCD was flaring, and I was bed-ridden. 
But, I made it. 
I am still making it, day by day. I see my doctor often. I even have had testing to rule out certain disorders and found out many things about my genetic make up. I have the PTSD gene. Who even knew that a particular gene could be pinpointed? I also have an absorption problem with certain vitamins and minerals that causes my medicine to be less effective, so now I know which vitamins to take in order to maintain a good balance.  I am taking care of my mental health, so that my children will grow up in a happy home. I am taking care of my mental health so that I will keep a happy marriage. I am taking care of my mental health for ME! 

What we show them…

/ jannanbland / Leave a comment
 

I post a lot of things on facebook for my family- my parents, my grandparents and cousins. But, mostly for me. I always say it is a good way to keep a journal of happenings that I can one day print into a book. A book of memories that I can peruse and relive when I am old.  This is my first blog post since 2010. My friend, Charlene, and I said that we would hold each other accountable when we weren’t posting, but everyone knows how life gets in the way. 

So, tonight I will try again. 
I have read so many posted links to blogs, articles, opinion pieces etc about how important a dad’s role is in developing his daughter’s self esteem. How vitally important it is that he plays an active role in his daughter’s life for her to embrace the notion that she does not have to settle for any old Joe that comes knocking in her teenage and college years. 
While I agree with this, I must say that I’ve known women who raise children alone who have seen those kids grow into self-motivated, confident adults without any type of self-worth issues. I have seen it, yes. But, not very often, and it is sad that their children, by some force or another, didn’t have the advantage of a well-rounded, family-around-the-dinner-table life. 
Scott and I have talked and encouraged Maggie to not only dream big, but to do big. But, most importantly, we want our actions to say: Hey! Look at what you can do by not settling for less than God’s best for your life!
And for Scott, particularly, to show her: Maggie! This is how you should always be treated! The way I treat your mother and the way I treat you should help you see that you are worth an immeasurable amount. 
So, Scott decided to put his actions into action. He asked his daughter on a date. 

He made reservations at the American Girl Doll restaurant, because he wanted to SHOW Maggie that he cared about her interests. He brought her flowers to SHOW that he thinks this date is important. 

He opened her door to SHOW her what a gentleman does for his wife. 

He pulled out her chair and listened to her thoughts at dinner. 

He thought of nice things to do for
her without breaking our budget. Food was minimally priced, surprisingly, yet perfect because it was right where he knew she’d like to be. 
She was polite in return and was so very thankful for the time he had SHOWN her. 
I believe that he is setting the tone for those formative teenage years, and with God’s guidance and His love, we pray that our daughter will grow into a self-assured, gracious Christian adult who will never ask the question: Am I good enough? 
And instead ask: Is he who God has chosen for me? Is he good enough? 

An Anniversary to Remember

/ jannanbland / 1 Comment

Pollock, La

June 11th will mark my grandparents’ 60th wedding anniversary! 60 years! WOW! The weekend of June 4th, our entire family celebrated this milestone with an amazing party at my Granny and Papaw’s house.
Sometimes I sit down to this blog, and I realize that there are truly no adequate words to describe certain experiences. This is one of those times. I want so badly to paint a picture of this day, and I will try, but no one can actually know the joy that comes from being a grandchild of these two most precious people.
Aunt Tamara did the decorating. She, Uncle Butch, Aunt Donna, and my mama decided on a picnic themed party. There was a white tent with perfectly decorated tables of white and yellow daisies. There was a giant water slide for all the kids (and adults) to enjoy, some kiddie pools, and also a jump house. The cake was beautiful, and their pastor spoke a few words about the example my grandparents are to all of the people that know them. (insert tears here)
The kids had a blast from 2 until about 10:30! They were satiated with water and happiness. If they only knew from their parents’ stand-point how poignant a day this was. Hopefully with pictures and stories, they will remember always. I know I will. I will remember that my wonderful cousins were with me that day to celebrate. I will remember feeling nostalgic, seeing Alex and Maggie looking like Blake and me as children. I will remember the pure, simplistic joy of wet children and their happy parents. And, I will DEFINITELY remember convincing Ashley to go down the waterslide with me fully dressed!
My grandparents’ 3 children and spouses, 8 grandchildren, and 17 great grandchildren, my Granny’s siblings, along with family friends and their children all showed up to the party. The grandchildren presented them with a decorative plate with notes to them. And their children gave them a flat screen t.v. and monitor as presents. They were beyond words, and we all cried.
They are a living testimony to God’s greatness. He has worked in them and through them their entire lives and throughout their marriage. They give Him the glory and praise for each day, and in return they have been richly blessed. It is I who still can’t figure out what I ever did to deserve them. God has shown me grace during my life by having them as a daily example to living right. I thank them and what they have taught me, and I am blessed for having them in my life.
Of course, ALL of the pictures will be on facebook soon!

Maggie’s Celebration of Life

/ jannanbland / Leave a comment

Cinco Ranch Montessori

Montessori schools are a bit different when it comes to celebrating a birthday. Maggie’s birthday is in July, but because she won’t be in school during the summer, Mrs. Cecilia did her celebration in May. At home, we were to create a poster documenting each year of Maggie’s life with a picture. She brought that to school for her classmates to see. After she presented her poster, Mrs. Cecilia gathered the children on the center rug, and lit a bright orange candle to represent the sun. Around the candle are the months of the year, with July sticking out further than the rest. Once the Sun is lit, a new candle is lit as Maggie walks around the sun 5 different times, representing her 5 years on earth. The kids all sing, “Around the sun we go, around the sun we go, around, around, around the sun, around the sun we go” (sung to the tune of “The Farmer and the Dell”). It was awesome. Maggie and her friends then had cupcakes and fruit as a treat. One of the pictures is just of Maggie and her best friend sweet Shreya. Shreya is special to our family, and Scott and I love her parents dearly. Can’t believe my baby is nearly 5 years old!