Month: December 2014

Runneth over…

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Today was Maggie’s school Christmas party and pj day! I made cute little goodie bags for the kids in her class and made these for her teachers. It was super easy, and they turned out so cute! I got this picture and idea from pinterest. 



The kids sang carols, danced, decorated cookies, drank hot chocolate, and exchanged gifts. I came to help as a room mama, and my mother watched Samuel for me, so that I could spend such precious time with my Maggie. She looked so cute and grown in her new pajamas, too! 

My poor mama finally made it home about 6 hours after she left. The rain and holiday traffic held her up. I am so appreciative that she came and stayed with us while Scott was traveling. I’m a big chicken, and I hate being home alone at night! Eeek! 

For the first time in these past few months, I am actually excited! I am going to see my family soon, and I am thrilled to have both of my kids home with me. No therapy, no school, just celebraring Christ’s birth, eating wonderful food, and having down time, all of which sounds fabulous. Scott even has a few days off from work, and I love when he is home with us. 

I have had such a sense of impending doom over the past months, that I don’t think I have thought ahead to how much happiness I experience during the holidays. CHRIST was born for ME!  He was born for each of us, and the promise of eternal life with Him when our earthly life is finished is available to everyone. 
It is the most miraculous gesture of love that could never be met by any deed on this earth. How beautiful is He!
This precious child, birthed by an amazing young woman, following God’s will. An amazing dad, obeying God’s plan for he and his bride’s life. A tiny manger holding the King of Kings, Emmanuel. 

Merry Christmas to all! 


I pray

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I am convinced that God is molding us as a family through all of this illness we have endured. This is our burden to bear. Every person has something that is heavy-laden, and this is ours, for these moments. But, I am praying that this bit of light in such a dark tunnel is the beginning of wellness. 
Samuel is still sick, but he seems in better spirits most of the day, and Maggie’s asthma is calmer today than in days past. Thank you, Lord. 

I talked to my friend, Charlene, this afternoon, and she knew my mind and heart were heavy. I told her that I feel burdened, like a weight is on my shoulders. It reminds me of the old roadrunner cartoons where Wylie Coyote ends up with an anvil crashing down on him, sending him plummeting over the edge of a cliff. Or, when his plan goes awry, and Acme dynamite explodes, burning his fur to the point of non-existence. He remains just a shell of his former self. 
The anvil is heavy, most certainly, and my shell is fragile, at best. 
My sweet Maggie is having a very hard time with Samuel’s autism- specifically, some of the behaviors he exhibits that affect her directly. In some ways this breaks my heart more so than Sam’s diagnosis. How do I protect her and her quivering soul right now? She is sad, confused, angry. She so desperately wanted a sibling, and her love for him amazes me. But, she has not gone unscathed. None of us have. 
She is such an intrigual part of this family- our first born baby. Our only child for 7.5 years, she has had to become a big sister, a sharer of her parents’ love and time, and a person with much empathy for her struggling brother. She is just a little girl. I think there are moments of remembrance, when things were easy.  Movie dates, zoo days, picnics- easy. No worrying that we will suddendly need to leave to cater to sweet Sam’s needs. She is grieving those days. Aren’t we all?  Isn’t that very human of us?  Isn’t that ok? 

I am praying for her continuously.  I find myself whispering breath prayers that her days at school are joyful, and that the boy in her class who calls her names leaves her alone. I pray that her heart stays young and innocent for as long as it can- for God to guard it and hold her steady in his hands. I pray for her teacher to be aware and loving of her individual needs. It is an ongoing conversion with Him. 
Maggie learned this verse tonight:
“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7. 
Such simple words that need no explanation. I hope that she will use this in her times of heartache. 
In the meantime, I pray. 

Let go

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It has been a rocky road in the Bland house. Sam has the flu, and tonight I had my own little 5 star visit to Memorial Hermann. I have a respiratory infection, a bronchial infection, and asthma. I got 3 breathing treatments and a boat load of medicine. I am so tired of not being able to breathe. 3 weeks is far longer than I had planned to be sick. Sam has been on Tamiflu since Thursday, and today he still has fever and sounds awful, but I think we are seeing some signs of improvement. Thank the Lord. 

Maggie, Sam, and I all had our flu shots, and my girl and I haven’t come down with it. Maggie has been on Tamiflu, as it would be really dangerous with her asthma to get the flu. 

My sick baby boy  😦

Me at my MOST attractive.  It kind of looks like a mug shot, huh? 

We were so excited for tomorrow, because Katy Mills Mall organized a sensory specialized time and place for kids like Samuel to see Santa without being overstimulated. We had an appointment, and we would not have to wait in hour long lines. And, although we can’t go this year, what a blessing this will be for other children with various health and disability issues. What a thoughtful thing to do. It is called Caring Santa. Our ticket

When I took Sam to the doctor Thursday, he had just started showing symptoms and wanted to get off my lap. He walked over to a stranger and began rubbing his head on her knee, just checking it all out. The mama was so sweet to him. I explained to her that he does that instead of using his hands when he comes in contact with anything and anybody new. 
I was immediately conscious of how most autistic children have no sense of “stranger danger.” It just worries Scott and me so much because he has no concept of the world out there, and he cannot communicate for help if he is hurt or scared. 
Thankfully, he is still so young, and I am always with him. I am scared to send him all day to an ABA therapy school when the new year comes. As a mother, my mind is constantly spinning with what ifs. 
What if he is not treated nicely, and he can’t tell me?
What if he is unhappy all day and can’t say it?
What if I didn’t make the right choice for him?
It is so consuming at times, that I just have to put my brain in numb mode. Easier said than done, for sure! 
I am dreading the day that I drop him off for the first time. But, I am going to have to trust my instincts, which means listening to God’s cues and guidance. It is so hard to give control to the one with the master plan. He does know best. He will protect my baby. He will wrap him in people who love him. I will remind myself of this every day until I can finally let go. 

Pieces

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Tonight, I lie here with a sick little boy and a precious little girl with pink eye. We are all in my bed, as Scott is so good to sleep in the guest bedroom tonight. He knows how much I worry about our kids. It is one of my many idiosyncrasies that he tolerates and accepts as me just being the Jannan that I am- the one he loves. I appreciate him and love him deeply.  

I hold Samuel in the crook of the left side of my body. That is his little niche, and it has always amazed me how both of my babies fit perfectly there, like the finishing piece to a puzzle. 
On a taxing day, like today, I love having my puzzle completed. It feels whole. It feels right.  I can see the details of tiny fingers and locks of curls. The picture is beautiful. 
Even when the day is long, frustrating, and exhausting, the weight of their little bodies and the sound of their slumbering breaths give me a sense that they are safe. And, there is a feeling of accomplishment- a day well-lived, mistakes and illness included. 
It’s as if God is saying, “You made it! I knew you would. Rest easy in Me tonight. Feel My presence and know that I will protect My children as they sleep.”

So, I am going to close my eyes and find comfort in knowing that tomorrow is a new day. It might be filled with fever,  runny noses, and doctor appointments. But, it is one more day that I am alive and am able to be with the people I treasure most. Thank you, Lord.