Because we have had so much going on these past weeks, I must admit that Samuel’s big day sneaked up on me. It definitely kept entering my mind, but I had to push it aside. Genetics, ENT, pulmonologist, ABA school tours and applications, and just life. It happens. 

We decided not to do a party with friends and extended family, as he withdraws a good deal when he is around others. I am praying that since it will only be the 4 of us, that he will be able to soak it in a little more and that he will connect some and enjoy it. 

I have this sinking guilt about waiting until the last minute to figure out what to get him, and what to do for him. Every time I would let the idea of him turning 2 enter my thoughts, I’d want to cry. I would flashback to my Maggie running up to her daddy and me and saying very emphatically, “I gonna be TWOOO years old!  I a big girl!”

She’d hold up her two fingers with help from her other hand to keep them upright, and she was so excited. 

I am doing better most days, but sometimes all it takes is just something small, like a memory of Maggie’s normal, undelayed development, to make me want to go inside myself and remain frozen. I think about how he can’t open presents and how he can’t blow out the candles on his cake. I know he can’t jump with excitement or dance to the music. I think about how he will bang his head if things are confusing or because he can’t communicate. 

I know, though, that I cannot hide in those miserable feelings. I must keep moving, improving as a mother and advocate for my child, ensuring that he becomes the best Sam that he is intended to be. That includes making sure his birthdays are just as special as Maggie’s. Although, realistically, we know that Samuel has no concept of his special day, we do! 

I pray that when he is older he will see the videos, pictures, and memories 

of important life moments and be able to enjoy them- to see how meaningful these times were to us as his family. 

So, I got busy. I bought decorations, ordered him our favorite Ooh La La cupcakes, bought presents, and picked out lots of balloons. He loves balloons. 

Maggie wrote a sweet birthday song to sing for him tomorrow, too. 

And as Samuel is blossoming into a toddler, I am growing, too. I am seeing more and more that life is what we determine it to be. Either, I can cry at what Samuel is lacking in development, or I can rejoice in who God so lovingly and purposefully knit in my womb. Samuel is full of possibilities, and I cannot wait to see what God does in his life this year. Tomorrow will be good. It will be different. But, it will be good. Plus, who doesn’t love cupcakes!

Samuel Scott Bland